Earlier this week news broke that music’s most famous feuding brothers—Liam and Noel Gallagher, of course—were getting back together. And while the sparring siblings haven’t released any new Oasis songs since 2008, they’ve kept the world enraptured with their 15-year fallout.
It’s a tale as old as time, or at least as ancient as the Old Testament. Cain and Abel, Claudius and Old Hamlet, Scar and Mufasa, sibling rivalry—especially among brothers—is an accepted family dynamic, so why do we still have so much trouble with outright estrangement?
“Guilt and shame are among the most common feelings that arise from estrangement”, explains Sarah Lee, a UKCP Psychotherapist. I can’t help but question whether estrangement is a social stigma because of the guilt and shame it causes or if those emotions are the byproduct of a society not ready to grapple with the reality that “just because people are born together, it doesn’t mean they should stick together,” as *Amrita, 33, puts it. She’s been estranged from her sister on and off for around six years.
Estrangement has skulked in the shadows of my own life, at times adopting new guises and affecting different members, but it’s always been there. That’s the thing about estrangement, you might lose a relative, but you’ll never shake the ghost of them. It’s something you carry with you, often against your own will.
Even the term ‘estrangement’ belies the reality of it. It sounds cold and clinical, as if becoming estranged is as precise as having a dodgy mole removed. “Estrangement can really shake people’s sense of identity and self-worth,” says Lee, who explains that we often identify as who we are to other people—as someone’s child or sibling—and losing these identities can be difficult to come to terms with.
I was overwhelmed by the volume and variety of responses I received when I asked on Instagram for stories of family estrangement. The experience might feel isolating and extraordinary, but the reality is that estrangement is wildly common, transcending cultures, ages and genders.
Here, six women share their stories about how they become estranged from their family and what life looks like on the other side.
Sophie, 34, has been estranged from her mum since the beginning of 2024
“I have been trying and failing to cut my mum off for years but I always let her back in because my dad committed suicide in 2018 and I don’t really have any other family. All I’ve ever wanted is for my mum to love me and for us to have a healthy relationship, but she’s always put the men in her life before me, which has put me in dangerous situations. My mum is a textbook narcissist with a drinking problem. She also has an undiagnosed personality disorder and will often be abusive verbally, mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically and then try to talk to you like nothing has happened. She purposely triggers me by giving me the silent treatment and leaving texts on read, then when I react emotionally or negatively, she plays the victim. It’s taken a toll on my mental health and has left me feeling suicidal although I haven’t and would never try to kill myself.
I think that toxic mum-and-daughter relationships are not spoken about enough. You hear about deadbeat dads, but you don’t often hear about deadbeat mums.
I honestly just want to be left alone at this point and hopefully, I’ll build my own family someday soon. The experience has damaged me significantly and caused turmoil in my other relationships. I have abandonment and rejection issues and heightened anxiety. Being ignored and given the silent treatment is a huge trigger and I find it hard to navigate certain situations in my personal and business relationships. I am in the process of starting therapy to work through the damage so that moving forward, I can have healthier relationships with not only others but most importantly myself.”
* Jacey Leigh, 44, has been estranged from her entire family for seven years
“My dad had an affair when I was 14 and left us. I’ve not had a relationship with him since. I come from a middle-class family and I was well educated and well respected in the community, but my relationship with my mum was not healthy. She was controlling, and I never lived up to my older brother. My mum used to tell me I reminded her of my dad, which was not meant as a compliment. One of the hardest things was that nothing was ever sacred between me and my mum; she’d tell everyone about my life. She made me an open book. At 22, I moved back home as I was pregnant and needed a place to stay after my ex had an affair. I was homeless within weeks. Instead of begging to go back, I stayed with friends and saved up to get my own place. We made up before my first child was born.
I wasn’t neglected – I had a beautiful home, nice clothes, holidays abroad and all the material possessions I needed, but I never felt secure.
10 years later, when I married my now-husband, all my family attended, but when I lost a baby a few years later, within two months of her dying all my family vanished. Losing her made me clearly see that my relationship was—and always had been—very unbalanced and toxic. The grief in me stood up to my mum and brother, and we fell out. I wasn’t willing to put up with their treatment anymore, they didn’t like that and they turned their back on me. Although my mum and brother were the only ones I argued with, the rest of the family never contacted me again. I’d love to know what my mum said to some of my wider family to make them stop speaking to me. I’m a mum of four now and I know I would never ever say or do the things my mother said and did to me over the years. I believe I’m a better mum because of this.”
Min Kaur, 43, has been estranged from her brother for nine years
“My brother was five years older than me and a bit of a bully, so I was never close to him. In the Asian community, boys are put on pedestals. They’re spoiled and treated differently to girls and he always got away with a lot. He got married in 2000—and again, this is an Asian thing—in our community, boys are given more inheritance than girls. He lived in America, and I was still at home studying when my parents cashed in their savings to help buy him a house. He never did anything for them and I saw the hardship we had. My dad always thought that his son would one day help to support them, and he never did. We’ve all been cut off from him since 2015.
Min Kaur with her parents
(Image credit: Min Kaur)
I’ve given up my career, meeting a partner, even having kids – it probably will never happen for me because I’m now caring for my mum who has blood cancer. I’m so far behind in my life because I’ve had to think about my parents and pick up the pieces he left behind because I was the one living with them. I’m Sikh, and my faith and my prayer has really helped me through this. What I’d like to say is, God bless him. If he doesn’t realise now, he’ll probably realise when it’s too late, and that’s a real shame.”
Lauren Edwards, 29, has been estranged from her grandparents for 11 years
“I’ve been estranged from my grandma on my dad’s side since 2013. My parents broke up that summer as my dad had an affair with someone else and when my mum first spoke to my dad’s parents after it happened, they were awful to her and couldn’t see the hurt he had caused. I was 18 at the time and about to do my A levels, my brother was in the middle of doing his GCSEs and my older two brothers were both in university.
They mattered so much to me. I just don’t understand why they would leave us.
I was very outright angry at my dad from the start, but over time, our relationship has built back up and we’re on good terms now, but I’ll never get over how much he hurt my mum. My granddad passed away in 2019 and we did go to the funeral, more so for my dad, but that brought up a lot of issues. I hadn’t seen my grandad since my parents split up six years ago. Before that, my grandparents used to come to our house all the time. My grandma taught me how to paint and sew, and I was always excited to show her what I’d done. I learned a lot from her. Very early into the breakup, she called to speak to my mum and when I answered, she said, “Oh, how are you doing?” and I was like, “Well, not great.” She basically just said, “Well, that’s life, love.” After that, they never tried to visit.”
Angie Kapur, 49, has been estranged from her aunt and cousins for almost six years
“I became estranged from my auntie and cousins—the only blood relatives I have in the UK—when my cousin got married, which is a big affair in our Indian culture. On the wedding day, my cousin and auntie started acting weird which I couldn’t understand. Later we realised we were seated on the children’s table at the back of the hall. We were devastated. One of my sisters travelled from India for the wedding and was furious. When I asked my auntie about our seating, she blamed the venue organisers, which is complete rubbish.”
(Image credit: Angie Kapur)
A few years later, we all met at a distant family’s wedding. My cousin and I spoke briefly and arranged a private meeting to talk through what happened. When we met, it was civil, but she continued to put me in vulnerable situations. After that, I distanced myself for good. Since then I’ve found out that my auntie has been slandering us to the rest of the family in the USA, and now they no longer talk to us. My mother has lost contact with three siblings and I have lost my six cousins. I am at peace with this now because I do not need negative energy in my life. Holding onto anger only troubles me – they are not affected and I’m consuming my own energy.”
*Amrita, 31, has been estranged from her sister for 2/3 years
“My sister’s been difficult ever since she was about 12 and I was 16. She has borderline personality disorder, which is now referred to as emotionally unstable personality disorder, which adds another layer. I am the biggest advocate for inclusion, acceptance, and understanding, so knowing that I’m basically blocking out my sister because of the effects of her mental health condition has been really difficult. But I also know people who have BPD or EPD who don’t behave how she does, which makes me think that this is a her thing as well.
I still get moments where I’m like, “Is Is it me? Am I the one at fault?”
The estrangement happened gradually, when I realised that boundaries weren’t working, I had to put in stronger boundaries, which meant essentially not having a relationship with her. What’s been extra difficult is I have two nieces and she won’t let me speak to them or give them presents, birthday cards, Christmas cards, nothing. She was kind of like, “If you don’t want a relationship with me, why would I let you have a relationship with my daughters?” I understand that to an extent, but she minimises her role in it. It’s all about me, and how it’s my fault. Until I see consistent behaviour change and accountability on her part, I don’t think I could reconsider.”
